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19 February 2018

Chaos and Pain Hatecast- The Pilot Episode

Due to my obvious ideological differences with Paul Carter, we won't be doing Chaos and Bang anymore.  What we will be doing is the Hatecast, which will feature myself, Brice Allen, and a rotating cast of guests (which tentatively includes Peter Baker of TNation / / BioLayne, a British wrestler on the indie circuit who will be guesting in NXT named Danny Burch (I'll just use his wrestling name so we don't break kayfabe, I guess), and an internet steroid guru who runs #TeamFakeGear for BAB Supplements named Ed Dorrence.  We'll be covering topics like steroids (I'll finally discuss them), the conjugate method, programming, body armor built from car tires, and whatever else happens to come up.

Here's a pilot we recorded just to test out the production software.  I was working on a Chromebook because my laptop took a shit on me earlier in the day, so the high-quality mic I'd bought couldn't be employed.  This weekend we will have the first official episode, hopefully with mics and an intro (to be recorded by the new singer of Germany's Impact36, who just just broke a bunch of records in Germany and posted a 1504 total raw at 181 after only 9 months of heavy strength training) and all of that happy horseshit... or it'll be our second pilot because we intend to make this shit as professional as humanly possible.  In any event, we'll be posting these weekly on Chaos and Pain TV on Youtube at first and then adding Soundcloud and iTunes and the like as soon as we can.

So while I work on the next article, here's a pilot episode of the Chaos and Pain Hatecast- No Fap?  No life.  The levels aren't perfect and I have no pop filter on my mic, but it's a hell of a lot better than what we were getting with Chaos and Bang.

15 February 2018

Nothing Is True; Everything Is Permitted: The Evolution Of Chaos And Pain

"We don't want to be popular.  
We want to be infamous.  
I wake up in the morning and say, "How could I be more despicable?"
-Jon Basso

Doing it right, guys.  We're doing it right.  Nofappers, SUCK MY MOTHERFUCKIN' DICK.

Having received a shitload of requests to detail my current training routine and the evolution of my methodology, I thought it was high time to drop an update on what I'm doing.  I'll reassert that I generally detest detailing my own training, as most of what I do is provide the information I've used to arrive at my own training methods.  I like to lead a drunk to a vodka factory rather than pour him a shot, as it were.  Additionally, it seems rather pompous for me to detail my own training methods, as I've continually reasserted that my training methodology is not so much innovative as it is successful because of my hyper-aggressiveness.  So what you're about to get is blasted in the face bukkake-style with my current training methods, my current diet, and the occult shit I've alluded to, but never outright detailed, that formed the philosophical basis of Chaos and Pain.

This isn't the fucking Dark Carnival, people.  The Jewish corpse god doesn't live here.  You're about to get whacked with a shitload of chaos magick, Luciferianism, and demonology, because that's the ideological foundation for my training and diet methodologies.  Once you've read this, you might feel like going back through parts 1, 2, 3, and 4 of my Get Your Fucking Head Right Series and you'll see that although I explained it utilizing what is called the "Cybernetic" model, I generally use a combination of the spirit model and the cybernetic model in my own life.  I realize that many of you are probably already mentally checking out, in large part because you're conditioned to be small-minded dipshits, I'll give you a TLDR so you don't get lost:
  • the Cybernetic model of Chaos magick is essentially the use of minute neurological changes to cause changes in the universe at large.  When you see Chaos magick associated with quantum physics, the author is using the cybernetic model... and even quantum physicists will admit there's something to chaos magick.
  • the Spirit model of Chaos magick is exactly what it sounds like- it's the belief that otherworldly creatures do exist, and that they and powers from their plane of existence can be called upon for aid in our own
Preferable to and more helpful than asking strangers on the internet about a proposed course of dieting or licting action.

In short, all of the science I have bandied about in past blogs wasn't bullshit- it was backfilled.  I have never in my life read a study and used it to formulate a plan for success going forward.  Instead, I harness energies and utilize them in the gym to great success, then find studies and science that justifies my success after the fact.  It's a bit like that old adage that it is easier to beg for forgiveness than to ask for permission, except for the fact that I'm not begging for a fucking thing and I would sooner ask a person to spray me with acid than to give me their opinion on a plan for training or dieting.  My successes and failures are entirely my own... as should be yours.

The reason why I am opening with this explanation rather than just getting to what you people have been asking for is that I think the most important thing to ask a person when critiquing a program is to ask them why they are doing what they are doing.  If they have no justification for any of it, or it's superficial, just dip and roll out- they're going to fail because they are not intellectually and emotionally invested enough in the process or the outcome.  I'm also going to great lengths to explain myself because I invariably run into the "BUT THAT'S NOT CHAOS AND PAIN!" exclamations when I tell people my current training methods, which I have to say is more aggravating than trying to pull a candiru out of your pisshole.

GAMEBOOKS TURNED ME INTO A SATANIST IN MY YOUTH.  The fact that some Christian somewhere is thinking that makes me want to burn a fucking church.

Chaos and Pain, obviously, is whatever the fuck I want it to be.  Or whatever the fuck you want it to be if you feel like you're carrying the CnP banner- it's a the only 18+ Choose Your Own Adventure, filled with dogs and sex and gore and metal.   This is where the occult shines a bright light on the whole Chaos and Pain methodology, because Luciferian gnosis is "freedom as it removes need for inner justification" and is "the point where mind and intuition compliment rather than negotiate" (Ford 39).  As such, you are free to, and encouraged to, allow your intuition to guide you rather than blindly follow the dogma of a system with hard rules.  You're practicing "mindfulness" in the same way samurai did, being fully present in the entire process of preparing for and engaging in training, rather than acting like a fucking schmoe, jerking your dick on the sidelines while oily female wrestlers flex and submit each other... which is of course an allegory for you sitting idly by and accepting at face value a program written by a person you've never met and not in any way an excuse for me insert muscle porn into this article.

 ... maybe it was after all.

With all of that freedom in mind, let's get down to my training and dieting of late.  From late May of last year through November, it'd be pretty accurate to say I trained sporadically.  Most of what I was doing was continually restarting the training process in a variety of ways and learning what worked and what didn't when coming back off a layoff.  The machine-based program I outlined in Like a Phoenix Rising From the Ashes is what I've found to be by far and away the most useful method for coming back off a layoff, and I would highly recommend you heed my advice and build some baseline strength with machine work prior to embarrassing and or hurting yourself with an assault on free weights with the wild-eyed enthusiasm that's second nature to us and generally only reserved for suicide by cop outside the gym.

My general attitude when entering the gym, captured perfectly by Jacen Burrows.

Assaulting machines with that kind of glassy-eyed bath salt induced enthusiasm right out of the gate is just fine, and should be encouraged.  You might get a little fucking sore, but dunk your ass in a hot bath with Epsom salts, eat a bunch of steak and tater tots, and chug water.  You'll be fine, buttercup.  The evil rhabdo monster is not hiding under your bed and the only things that ever died from overwork on machines are fatness and laziness.

"Be mindful that the Deconditioning Process is not merely an intellectual experience. It is relatively easy to ‘intellectually accept’ some experience or belief which you have previously rejected or dismissed. It takes more resilience to take action from your new position, and risk the emotional upheaval that may result afterwards" (Hine 44).

If the IMs and emails I get are any indication, there seems to be quite a lot of emotional upheaval and consternation at my contradiction of past articles like "Friends Don't Let Friends Do Leg Extensions."  At various times I've lampooned, lambasted, and libeled such exercises as lateral raises, Hercules curls, leg extensions, and a wide variety of other exercises, and I've managed to decondition myself to these standpoints in a lot of instances.  I still maintain that Hercules curls are about as useful as a plastic pussy at a gay male orgy, but I've come to see that there is a lot of utility in lateral raises (for both strengthening the shoulder girdle and improving range of motion for some people) and in leg extensions in particular.  These I began doing a couple of years ago when I was training while drunk, and heavy drunken squatting rivals nude bareknuckles bear fighting in stupidity and lethality.  Unbeknownst to me at the time, the manner in which I was conducting my leg extensions is precisely the style in which the Chinese Olympic weightlifting team does them- namely, explosive concentric movement with a static hold at full extension.

The Chinese Oly team seems to know a thing or two about building their quads.

In spite of the fact that tr00 powerlifting bros on the internet eschew such menial exercises as leg extensions, the Chinese team and the Egyptian weightlifter Mohamed Ehab swear by isometric holds on that exercise.  For my part, I can attest to the fact that they do seem to bring up leg strength, definition, and size quickly- my earlier reticence to do them was in opposition to a growing trend in bodybuilding to discard squats altogether in favor of easier exercises.  Ehab apparently didn't need to arrive at the conclusion it was alright to do extensions as a supplement to squats in a middle-aged epiphany, and does them for three sets of 20 second holds with 90kg, which is a not insubstantial weight for a 77kg lifter.  I tend to do them with ten second holds for reps, doing more sets and less weight.  I will sit up in my seat to reduce the shearing stress on my knees at the starting point, then explode to full extension, hold for ten seconds, and lower the weight in about four seconds.  I follow a similar pattern with my leg curls as well, as hamstring strength plays a major role in both pulling and low bar squatting.

Anyone else feel like they're living in a fucking cartoon lately?  
A soon-to-be post-apocalyptic cartoon.

Like the leg extension/squat issue I had early in my writing, I had a very strong opinion about laterals- they were pretty much pointless.  I had good reason for making this assertion, as prior to my adoption of a three day a week overhead pressing habit, I had dogshit shoulders.  My overhead pressing strength rivaled Donald Trump's leadership skills in terms of awesome, and they looked like flattened heads of wilted lettuce glued to my torso.  As such, I decided that laterals, which had previously been the mainstay of my shoulder workouts, were utterly useless.  Over the years I noticed that pretty much every person with massive shoulders in the history of mankind has done some kind of lateral raise, and thought perhaps it would be a good idea to revisit them.  I still don't do them as a majority of any workout, no matter how light, but they're a frequently utilized movement in the ever-increasingly weird world of Chaos and Pain.

"A key to magical success is veracity of belief. If you want to try something out, and can come up with a plausible explanation as to how/why it should work, then it most likely will. Pseudoscience or Qabbalistic gibber (or both) - it matters not so long as the rationale you devise buffers the strength of your belief in the idea working. I find that this happens a lot when I try and push the limits of how I try to do some magical action that I haven’t tried before. Once I come up with a plausible explanation of how it could work in theory, then of course, I am much more confident about doing, and can often transmit this confidence to others. If I’m 110% certain that this rituals going to ‘bloody well work’ then its all the more likely that it will" (Hine 36).

So, we're finally at my current training routine, at which I arrived with a combination of demonic tarot readings and a healthy dose of "if I'm gonna make a comeback, I had better train as epically as I want to perform.  Thus, I've ditched the 45-60 minute rule to which I had clung so assiduously for so long- in rereading Zatsiorsky, I should be training 3-4 hours a day anyway, so my hour to an hour and a half a day bullshit was insufficient.  At present, I'm training 10-15 hours a week and gradually increasing the volume and insanity to see how crazy I can get with training.  Given that my rest periods are between 60 second and 150 seconds as a general rule, you could rate the density of my workouts as "motherfucking black hole-esque." 

Interestingly, the first card I blindly pulled from my Daemon Tarot deck is that of my patron, Buer.  Either a bizarre coincidence or something non-scientific that could still be explained with quantum entanglement, pretty cool.  I'll occasionally use a two card draw in the deck to determine how my training should go on a given day.  For instance, when i drew Dantalion and Belphagor, I determined that I needed to be more creative in that workout's approach.  Rather than using the system I'd been employing, I looked through old articles I'd made notes on and used Steve Justa's isometrics suggestions for a day of overhead pressing.  Rather than doing military or klokov pressing, I spent what proved to be an agonizing ninety minutes doing overhead lockout static holds with a shitload of weight until I nearly blacked out on each attempt.  I was sore for the next three days from my pelvic bone to my fingertips... which i assume is a good thing.

Although what follows is an example of what I have been doing, nothing whatsoever is set in stone- not the exercise pairings, frequency I train a bodypart or lifts, or rep ranges.  The only constant is that I will do a compound movement first and keep the reps between one and three on that lift, and I will perform the lift for roughly an hour with rests no shorter than a minute and no longer than about three minutes.  As before, I don't bullshit around in the gym- I rarely speak to anyone, I don't answer phone calls or spend 20 minutes making duck faces in the mirror and trying to get the best lighting. 
[If you're an IG superstar, go fuck yourself- I truly hope you die in a fiery car accident filming one of your idiotic opinion pieces about whatever inane topic happened to strike you as worthy of our attention.  In any other era your needy ass would have been dragged behind a shed and beaten with hoses for presuming to be anything other than an annoyance and a detriment to society as a whole.]  
I seem to have the shoulders situation pretty well figured out.

So, finally, here is a sample week of what's put about 25 lbs on me in the last three months.  These are all approximations to give you an idea.  Each workout lasts between 90 minutes and three hours.

Day 1:
Military Press- 1x3x135;185;205, 1x1x225, 5x1x235; 3x1x245 (form gets a little loose here), 3x1x235, 3xMAXx205
Hammer Strength Press- 5x10, 3x8, 3x6
Machine Lateral Raise- 5x10
Machine Real Lateral- 5x10
Strict Bicep Curl- 4 rounds of max reps with 75lbs in 30 seconds (there's an event at the Philly Fit Expo my gf and I might do that's 60 seconds with 65 lbs at my weight)
Whatever abs I feel like

Day 2:
Front Squat- 1x3x135;185;225;315, 1x1x365, 1x1x405;415;425;435;445, 5x1x405, 5x3-5x365
Seated Leg Curl- 10x6 (5-10 second holds at peak contraction)
Leg Extension- 6x10 (5 second holds at the peak contraction)
Calf Raises- 5x25
Abs and forearms and whatever else

Day 3:
1.5 to 2 hours of cable and machine rows.  Reps range from 6 to 25.  Every conceivable handle and angle.
(I partially tore my lat a month and a half/two months ago doing super explosive rows off the floor and am trying not to aggravate the injury as it heals, so these are pretty controlled and focused on squeezing my shoulderblades together and getting a pump)
Bicep Curl same as Day 1

Day 4:
Close Grip Bench Press- As many sets of 2-5 reps as I can get in an hour with 325.
Machine Incline Bench Press- As many sets of 4-10 reps as I can get in a half hour
Pec Deck- 6x12
Rope Pushdowns- 6x10

Day 5:
Shrugs: 1x10x495;585, 5xMAXx675, 5xMAXx765
Half hour of cable rows
Face pulls- 6x20

Day 6:
Miscellaneous bis, tris, forearms, and abs for 90 mins

Day 7:
Fuck around on extensions and curls or take off, depending on how I feel.

When confronted with a choice between being rich or jacked, Dan Bilzarian ripped a line of coke in the shape of Bolivia, roared "BRING ME WHORES AND GOATS!", washed down a handful of Viagra with a handle of Jack, and proceeded to be both.

In other words, I have far less of a system than I had before.  There is no structure beyond basing a workout on an ultra-heavy compound movement and then backfilling the workout with volume on machines.  I might do shoulders four times in a given week and skip squatting because my knee is stiff or I just don't fucking feel like it.  I might train 21 days in a row.  I might only train 5 days in a week.  For the first time in my training career, nothing is true, and everything is permitted.  I have more freedom than a Dan Bilzerian in international waters and I utilize that freedom to force progress in every fucking direction, at all times.

Pro Tip: I am not the only person I know who does this either- I surf Tumblr porn between sets during most workouts.  Contrary to what you might have heard on some Ted Talks of very dubious scientific footing or from the mouths of a pack of psychotics with ED who claim porn is to blame, porn raises your testosterone levels the instant you view it.  According to some sources, pornographers pointedly attempt to elicit the "maximum drug/hormone release by mixing sexual images with male dominance, aggression and violent images intended to shock and stimulate simultaneously", which stimulates the production of much higher baseline levels of hormones essential to getting strong and lean, "especially testosterone, but also adrenaline, epinephrine, and others."  
Not only does it create an awesome biofeedback loop, particularly in men, but watching porn causes an immediate release of "enormous amounts of additional testosterone, which further increase male narrowing, loss of reason, feelings of aggression, and sexual drive and arousal."  In other words, porn is to your endocrine system what nofappers are to weird anti-semitic conspiracy theories (Kastleman).  But what about furry porn / shit porn / tentacle rape / throatfucking or whatever dark secret-style porn you have lurking on your computer?  Great news, ladies and gentleman- that shit simply makes you more awesome.  Paraphilias are triggered by, and cause the release of, massive amounts of testosterone.  That shit is so potent, in fact, that psychiatrists use massive doses of anti-androgenic drugs like methylprogesterone to control these "deviant" predilections.  As such, you should probably just go ahead and watch between sets if you're looking to hit a PR that day (Prescription).
So there you have it- my current treasure trove of secrets has been laid bare.  Comingsoon in this series, I'll provide a bit more of the hazy logic defining my insanity, the current diet that fuels this insanity, how you might apply this bizarre shit to your own training, and my gauzy conception for how this will be tailored to fit powerlifting and honed to a fine edge as I get closer to my return to the platform.  And before you guys call bullshit on these workouts, know that I've no fucking reason to make this up- I stand to make no money off this and know most of you are looking at this and thinking I'm directly out of my mind.  I am.  Sanity is for the unimaginative and the uninteresting.  

Go be interesting and do something fucking epic.

Ford, Michael.  The Bible of the Adversary.  Houston: Succubus Productions, 2007.

Hine, Phil.  Condensed Chaos.  Las Vegas: New Falcon Publications, 1995.

Kastleman, Mark.  How internet pornographers market to men vs. women.  Netnanny.  Web.  15 Feb 2018.

New prescription for paraphilia Psychiatric Times.  1998 Apr;15(4).  

09 February 2018

Baddest Motherfuckers Ever- Mac Batchelor

How many people do you think you've met with measurements even close to 6’ 1½ ", 300-330 lbs, 20" neck, 19¼" arms, 52½” chest, and a 19" calf?  I'll tell you how many- maybe one.  Offhand, the only person of whom I can think who had these cold measurements was legendary strongman, Olympic weightlifter, strongman, and stand-in for Godzilla otherwise known as Mark Henry.   Having met him a couple of times, I can tell you that shaking hands with Mark Henry is like shaking hands with a Transformer wearing a double-size Predator mask and boasting hands so big they make a catcher's mitt look like a small child's mitten.  You know, he is the sort of man who has the physical presence of a literal mountain- the dude left more of an impression on me than the Grand Canyon had a few years earlier.  So, the fact that Mac Batchelor was similarly sized to our version of a modern day Colossus in an era that food rationing was in effect is nearly unbelievably, but that's hardly the most insane thing Batchelor pulled off in his life.

This level of finger strength is completely unthinkable to me. 

If you've never heard of the guy, and I know I hadn't, that's a motherfucking shame.  No athlete of which I know this side of the legendary Greek wrestler and bovine-lover Milo had a career like Batchelor, who never lost an arm wrestling match in 25 years (1931-1956).  He never turned down a match, whether he was so drunk he was pissing down his own leg, had just lifted for four hours, was at a funeral, or was in the middle of banging some sloot- Mac Batchelor fucked up all comers for 25 years like he was Mike Tyson with a fistful of Viagra backstage at the Ms. America pageant.  That's right- unlike almost any other athlete of whom you've ever heard, save for champion jogger and alleged boxer Floyd Mayweather and a couple of other boxers, "Ian “Mac” Batchelor, who retired at the age of fifty after having taken on all comers night after night and decade after decade at his bar, playing right hand or left seated or standing, open hand or thumblock, sick or well, tired or fresh, drunk or sober, [straightened] the arm of every man he met" and was generally the type of man-monster about whom you only hear in myths and legends about superhumans from the mists of history (Todd).

As a bartender, Mac Batchelor had a hell of a lot of time to apply product to his mustache and to practice mangling beer bottle caps... and not the new-school aluminum twist off types, but old school, manlier-than-shirtless-Reg-Park-wrestling-a-drunken-Russian-bear-for-a-steak steel bottlecaps.  To say he was a monster4 in the grip department is like saying I'd kind like to punch that stupid bitch Sia out of her shoes for thinking she's clever for walking around in public with a paper bag on her head.  Mac could pinch grip 80 lb plates with no lip in each hand and walk 30 feet, and could pinch grip a 165 lb plate with one hand.  As if that wasn't enough, he could simultaneously crush 3 bottlecaps simultaneously, one in between each finger on his right hand.  He could also crush a bottlecap between his thumb and forefinger with his fingers held straight.

Seriously, the shit this man could do with his hands makes the stories about Paul Bunyan seem plausible.
"Mac could bend every standard spike into a “U” shape – 60, 80, 100 and 120. He could muscle out a 12 pound sledge hammer, 30 inch long handle, by grasping the end of the handle. He could hook his middle finger into the hole of an 80 pound barbell plate and do a one-arm curl. 
Dude drank two cases of beer a day and an unspecified but not inconsiderable number of shots of whiskey.
While weighing 300 pounds Mac could hang on to a vertical climbing rope with one hand, WITH HIS THUMB UNLOCKED. He could grasp a large 2 or 2½ foot high wine bottle at the tip or neck and then work the bottle upward by working the fingers downward. THE BOTTLE WAS FILLED WITH LEAD SHOT. He could pinch grip a beer bottle with both thumb holding the lip of the bottle so that it was parallel to the bar" (Boff).

Who fucking cares about that shit, right?  No one's ever heard of a grip specialist dominating a "real" strength sport... except for the fact that Big Mac wasn't just a grip specialist- he was just all-round fucking strong.  Beast mode when he entered the gym was for light days- most days he seemed to have been stuck on Godzilla mode, smashing everything around him and causing all of the little people around him to run away screaming in terror.  On a few occasions, Mac did a backlift of 3,000 lbs at a bodyweight of 275, just for shits and giggles.  In true Viking-style form, Mac once shouldered a 40 foot long telephone pole weighing seven to eight hundred pounds and walked over 300 feet with it- it might be half the weight of the ship's mast that killed the legendary Viking Orm Storulfsson, but it was longer and Mac practically went for a jog with the fucking thing.  Later that year, Mac picked up a horse on a movie set and carried it on his back for 20 feet before climbing the world's sturdiest 16 foot ladder with it on it's back.  Why anyone would attempt to carry a 700 lb live animal 16 feet into the air is a mystery we may never solve, but it seems clear that the number of fucks Mac gave about gravity was inversely proportional to the amount of awesome in his mustache.

Big Mac's training was an interesting mix of bartending, powerlifting, and Diesel Crew shit.  All day long at his bar, he'd be casually bending beer and whiskey bottle caps while smiling like a lunatic, twisting his mustache like a cartoon evildoer, and slamming shots and beers.  Afterward, he'd hit his badass little home gym that looked to be equal parts medieval torture devices and old timey powerlifting apparatus.  Two days a week, he'd do straight powerlifting work.  Given that all of the training at that time was more volume heavy than a chick's conditioner commercial, it stands to reason that a guy who would bend bottlecaps for eight hours a day would be all about some crazy intense, longer-than-a-well-hung-midget's-dick workouts involving a fuckton of compound movements with low reps and not much else.

Round backed and stiff legged double overhand 651lb deadlift at age 36 after beating the breaks off everyone in the meet at the three Olympic lifts.  Yeah, you are not training hard enough.

To give you some idea of how Batchelor might have trained at this time, here is a synopsis of how a beast of a 181lb proto-powerlifter trained in that era- Bob Peoples.  The first 181lber to deadlift over 600lbs, Peoples utilized what was then standard for powerlifting training.
1.) Warm up with light or medium weight to warm muscles and joints.
2,) Dead Lift
3.) Deep Knee Bend
4.) Press
5.) Snatch
6.) Clean and Jerk
All for 3 to 5 repetitions.

"I kept strict records and when five repetitions were reached, I added weight and started again, making as much progress as possible on each of the individual lifts. Along with this, I used some heavy lockouts or half and quarter squats. I always did situps with weight and some leg raises along with the above routine. At times, I would mix other exercises in with my regular routine. Some of these were chin-ups, neck work, curls, toe raises and others.
I usually used one set of low repetitions for strength building. I used the most weight possible and went for as many repetitions as I possibly could, going the limit every day. 
About every two weeks or less, according to the way I felt, I would try a personal record on the deal lift, deep knee bends and the three Olympic lifts" (Peoples).
Mac likely followed a similar method, only his warmup was vastly different- he'd bang out a single set of 20 speed squats, cold, beltless, and without wraps, with 350 lbs.  If that doesn't clue you into Mac's utterly fearless, zero-fucks-given, damn the torpedoes style of training (which was very likely done drunk, because according to a number of sources he was rarely seen sober), nothing will.  The man trained like nothing you have ever fucking seen, and likely never will.  Check out his method (and absurd weight for a modified concentration curl)- ridiculous.
"Here is an exercise favorite of mine. Sit on a chair, place a 100 lb. dumbbell on the floor between feet, collars almost touching opposite ankles, palm of hand gripping bar facing body start, disengaged hand resting on corresponding knee, body bent over. Then spin the dumbbell on floor by supinating hand until palm is forward (curl position). At this instant, curl to shoulder as you sit up and press strongly with disengaged hand on corresponding knee. The original momentum from the spin on the floor brings the bell easily to the shoulder at the completion as you sit upright" (Batchelor Curling).

Profap, motherfuckers.  Nofappers can go ahead and kick bricks.  I'm sure there's a nice Creationism website or a Flat Earth pamphlet you could peruse instead of polluting my site with your presence.

Grip training for Mac Batchelor was like Tumblr porn is for me- absolutely indispensable and a cornerstone of my life.  Whereas I hit up Tumblr betwixt sets in the gym to boost my test levels, Big Mac was banging back whiskey and snapping corks between his thumb and forefinger.  When that kind of a maniac is at the wheel, you know every workout is going straight to the fucking nuthouse in terms of inventiveness and intensity.  There isn't much in the way of definitive workout routines from this mustachioed maniac, but here are two of his favorite grip exercises, in his own words:

"Finger Gripping Barbell Plates -- Here's another good exercise to toughen and strengthen your grip and forearms: grip a 25-pound of heavier plate (depending on your present strength) by the rim, using only your thumb and fingers -- don't let it touch the palm. Lift it to shoulder height in slow motion for 10 to 15 reps. Increase the reps as you become stronger to build your endurance for wrist wrestling.

A favorite of the old-time wrist wrestlers was gripping a smooth, flat, heavy plate between thumb and forefinger, then transferring it, without losing their grip, to a position between their thumb and middle finger -- and so on down the line until they were holding the plate in the most difficult way possible -- between thumb and smallest finger. They would then reverse the process, never once putting down the plate or losing a grip on it.
Before doing exercise it's best to first warm up your hand muscles with some other exercise. Start with light plates then go on to heavier ones. Consider yourself a good man if you can do this exercise with a 25-pound smooth plate.
Crushing Beer Cans -- One of my favorite exercises, when working in my bar during occasional quiet afternoons, was to crush beer cans between my fingers. I trained my grip at every opportunity to fortify my wrist wrestling arm against the constant competition I had for my title of World's Champion Wrist Wrestler. Crushing beer cans was a good way to obtain that needed conditioning. With the innovation of beer cans, which vary from soft metal to those that seem to be made of iron, arm wrestlers everywhere had a new and convenient type of training medium.
For developing finger strength try this: pinch the middle of the lighter cans together with thumb and forefinger only. With those of heavier metal, grip each end with both hands and bend back and forth until a break starts in the center. Now, while maintaining the same grip, twist with both hands back and forth a few times until the can is torn in half. Be careful not to cut yourself -- those edges are like knives. Practice of this exercise will help give you the twisting power of grip that is vital to being a successful arm grappler. When practicing stunts or exercises, put resin on your hands to avoid slipping. You should do this particularly when you're handling barbells and dumbbells" (Batchelor Unique).

In summary, a badass mustache, rampant drunkenness, and training non-stop led Mac Batchelor to a 25 year undefeated streak in armwrestling.  It wasn't the perfect program, the perfect gym, any coaching whatsoever, or certain supplements that led to his ridiculous unbeaten streak- it was balls, brains, guts, and utter fucking fearlessness. 

Think less.  Do more.  Go fucking nuts. 
Anything less is fucking civilized, and "civilized" people are good for nothing other than work camps and wage slavery.

Batchelor, Mac.  Curling Heavy Weights.  The Tight Tan Slacks of Dezso Ban. 18 Sep 2008.  Web.  30 May 2017.

Batchelor, Mac.  Unique ways to build arm wrestling power.  The Tight Tan Slacks of Dezso Ban.  11 Feb 2012.  Web.  30 May 2017.

Boff, Vic.  Epitaph for a strongman- Mac Batchelor.  The Tight Tan Slacks of Dezso Ban.  5 Oct 2010.  Web.  11 Oct 2016.

Grimek, John.  Ian "Mac" Batchelor.  The Tight Tan Slacks of Dezso Ban.  29 Aug 2008.  Web.  8 Feb 2018.

Peoples, Bob.  The training methods of Bob Peoples.  Reprinted from April/May 1952 Iron Man magazine.  12 May 2011.  Web.  9 Feb 2018.

Todd, T.  Mac and Jan.  Iron Game History.  1995 Apr;3(6):17-19.

23 January 2018

Dieting And Training On A Slave Budget, Part II- My Tried And True Methods


It seems of late that people have gotten extremely busy complicating something that is extremely simple- getting big and strong.  Idiots clad in day-glo spandex and in all manner of wraps, belts, and shoes populate every squat rack across the land, endlessly yammering on about their newest highly vaunted cookie-cutter online program, talking everyone's fucking ear off about the intricacies of their diets and generally doing nothing useful whatsoever.  Resigned to mediocrity or sub-mediocrity, these vapid consumerists consider themselves an essential part of a community that they clearly misunderstand, because strength training is not about how much money you spend- it's about how much heart, balls, hate, aggression, and self-motivation you apply in direct opposition to gravity and mass.  It's not about allowing people you don't know to dominate your bank account, because this community isn't filled with sexy-ass Findommes (Finanacial Dominatrixes) talking shit to pussies to separate them from their money.  Well, upon reflection I suppose it is, though the Findommes in strength sports are generally fat, hairy guys running gear companies that aren't particularly aesthetically appealing.  In any event, it doesn't have to be that way- it can and is much, much simpler than a cursory examination of the conversations on any message board might otherwise indicate.

I can't recall if I got this from Rogue, a sexual findomme, or some other strength equipment company.  Amusingly, it works equally well for all of them, though.

As we've seen in the previous installment of this series, people in the distant past and in modern correctional facilities have figured out ways to build massive amounts of muscle and strength without the benefits of modern technology, complicated programming, expensive gear or supplements, or really any of the things people today seem to think are indispensable.  For fuck's sake, it was only with modern medicine, modern training facilities, the ability to do nothing but eat and train as a vocation, and modern convenience that Halfthor Bjornsson was able to break a thousand year old record set by legendary Viking Olm Storulfsson. carrying a 32-foot, 1,433 pound log two steps further than Storulfsson could before his back snapped and he died.  If that's not significant to you, you must be busy in the back of the gym eating paste while wearing your helmet and your bib backwards- never fear, though, because they have powerlifting in the Special Olympics to accommodate people of your intellectual caliber.

If you do these, pretend I'm there as your high school wrestling coach screaming "GET YOUR FUCKING HANDS OFF YOUR LEGS, YOU PUSSIES!"  Seriously.  Keep your fucking hands off your legs.

In my life I have had to do more with far less a couple of times, and while these times were highly annoying, they taught me a great deal.  During the majority of these periods I had unfettered access to some kind of gym, which should be first on your list of priorities.  As I've mentioned in past articles, you can do a hell of a lot with bodyweight work, and I managed to maintain a 500lb squat in jail without weights simply by doing a metric fuckton of Crossfit's favorite "time-waster," wall sits.  I've read some hilariously misguided posts about the uselessness of wall sits on social media, but like anything else, if you go hard enough with them, you will see results.  While in jail I would read while walking.  I would walk 100 yards, do a two minute wall sit, and repeat... for extended periods of time.  Over the course of 7 months I was able to maintain a fairly lean 195 lbs using nothing (for 5 of those months)- I got to lift 3x a week for two months) but dips, pullups, wall sits, the TRX-style movements I detailed here, and following the diet I'm about to outline.

"I had to take the last 6 months off because of financial issues."  You don't have ten fucking bucks?  Go fuck yourself.

In short, though, you can maintain a great physique and strength levels with virtually nothing, so suck it up and grab a membership at Planet Fitness til you have the cash for a better gym.  I've got one, because a few sessions of cables and machines are better than not training when you're up against it.  While we're at it, I have a TRX system at the house and resistance bands... because something is far better than doing nothing. 

Could be chicken a la king... or regurgitated chicken a la king.  I doubt they taste significantly different enough to label correctly.

As I've mentioned previously, the food served in correctional facilities is not sufficient to fuel training- it's barely sufficient to sustain life. Certainly, moves can be made- I was trading all kinds of shit to get extra milks, extra turkey ham (which is vile, but it's protein), and extra trays.  Even with that, I think the most protein I managed to get in a day from jail food alone was 100 grams.  As such, I started supplementing with summer sausage and ramen noodles three times a day, on which I spent about $10 a day and which netted me another 100 or so grams of protein more.  Was it "quality protein"?  Fuck no, but I was still moving decent weight when I finally got access to the gym, and I held onto a tremendous amount of muscle.

You might wonder how Pauly Shore rocked better shoulder development in the 90s than half of Reddit's r/weightroom, and I'd say the answer is "cocaine is a hell of a drug" (Mello).

The key, which might seem obvious but was hitherto mysterious to me because of my obsession with maintaining extremely low bodyfat year round, is to keep your calories high and your workload higher than Pauly Shore on vacation in Columbia.  When I'm not trapped in a concrete box, bored out of my fucking mind, and extremely limited on my food choices, I tend to focus almost to the exclusion of everything else on protein, which will work to an extent and then fail to take you to the mountaintop of hugeness.  Judging by the emails and IMs I get, many of you reading this fall into this trap- you focus entirely on getting 1.5-2g of protein per pound of bodyweight and think that's all you need.  After a year of eating 6 meals of 30-50g of protein a day and virtually nothing else, your bodyweight stalls out at 150 lbs, you wonder why you're not getting stronger, and you message me with questions about why you can't make any progress... but if you just took a second to look at your diet, you'd see that it's barely sufficient for a 13 year old girl who goes to Gymboree three times a fucking week.

This just in, guys- the only people making significant gains on 2000 calories a day are small children, burn victims, midgets, and people suffering from wasting diseases.  You might as well not even train if your goal is to gain strength and mass on so few calories.  In the day-glo, post-apocalyptic wasteland of the modern gym, you can look like fucking Rictus Erectus among the wraps and straps and bands and matchy-matchy Lulu Lemon-clad Instagram superstars if you simply eat your face off and stick to heavy fucking weights for a few months.  Seriously- it's never been easier to look like a fucking monster in the gym than now due to the remarkably low standards pervading every gym on the planet, so now's the time to buck the fuck up and set off on your own journey to one day stalk through the crowds of "weight lifting" idiots in the gym like you're a ripshit-pissed Jason Voorhees in a recently reopened Camp Crystal Lake.

Wife material.

So the above example of a Viking who couldn't be outlifted until a 400+ pound man mountain did it with every advantage of the modern professional athlete.  When he set that record, did it on an ancient diet without the benefit of refrigeration (though storing meat in lake water apparently keeps it from spoiling).  That means it was not all that easy to get the nutrition you need to become super strong back in the day.  Modern farming methods are mostly horrible, but they can churn out some fucking calories like they're sperm on the face of a chick in a throatfucking vid.  One benefit of factory farming that is super cheap but most lifters never use is 80% lean beef.  It's cheap as shit but fattier than Honey Boo Boos awful shitheap of a mom.  Fun fact though- if you cook and blot a pound of 80% lean ground beef you completely eliminate the need to buy the more expensive 90% lean ground beef.
“Cooking and draining ground beef significantly reduces fat and calorie content, as shown in the table below, which compiles data from the U.S. Department of Agriculture’s Nutrient Database* and Iowa State University’s research** published in the Journal of the American Dietetic Association. During cooking, both moisture and fat content decrease within the meat. On average, 4 ounces of lean raw ground beef becomes 3 ounces (about 85 grams) of cooked meat" (Garden-Robinson).
Check out the nutrition info on different meats:

So, using this knowledge and $100-$150 a week, you can eat your face off, have a very well-rounded diet, and fuel your gains.  As I've written at very great length, I despise bland foods.  Thus, this staple for me in lean weeks when cash is crazy short, it the Mexican staple of beans and rich, with the addition of ground beef.  You can change the flavors to suit your personal tastes, but this just gives you an idea of how cheaply you can eat big.  

Poorer than that?  Well, if you can stand chicken thighs (I fucking hate them outside of a Chipotle burrito bowl), you can still bulk like an ancient Viking badass ten or twelve bucks a day.

One last protip for channeling your inner Olm Storulfsson- ditch that shit about "ego lifting" and go fucking nuts.  Do you think he was whining about how lifting for your ego did nothing for your strength or gains, or do you think he got crazy strong by having drunken strongman competitions every night?  Somehow I don't think he was worried about his 7 rep max- he was worried about outlifting the other guys every goddamned day, just like the old German strongmen a few hundred years later.

Now get your head out of your ass and go get strong and big to the point that normal dudes just whip their nuts out and cut them off when you lumber past.

Garden-Robinson, Julie.  Does draining fat from meat make it leaner?  Best Food Facts.

Mello NK, Mendelson JH, Negus SS, Kelly M, Knudson I, Roth ME.  The effects of cocaine on gonadal steroid hormones and LH in male and female rhesus monkeys.  Neuropsychopharmacology. 2004 Nov;29(11):2024-34.